Thanks for the book recommendations, Doreen!

Laura-- I think that is an important distinction to make-- that leadership roles have more to do with personality (and calling), and less to do with gender. Thanks for the feedback!

I had not read Ronald Enroth's Churches That Abuse -- thank you so much for the link to the book in it's entirety. From my precursory skimming, it looks like an excellent read, especially for anyone who has found themselves within an abusive church structure or cult. I encourage other reader's to check it out!

It really is sad how common this situation is, isn't it? Glad to hear you and your friend are both out from your respective situations. Especially your friend-- wow! Your analogy works well with how cults and non-cults, as well as spiritual abuse, works more on a continuum, rather than a pure 'black' and 'white' mentality. I think that ministries and churches can start out at the lower end and then slowly inch their way towards the other end -- or take leaps and bounds-- if left unchecked. The trouble is finding someone whom the ministry will listen to and willing allow to speak into the situation.

Tiaan, Thanks for the comment and opportunity for further discussion! If I am being completely frank and not just trying to be diplomatic or provoke discussion, I agree with the premise that, if Christians are following the will of God, they will be like-minded (for the most part) and that leading does not include dictatorial powers. In my experience, those who follow a more dictatorial approach to leadership also agree that if Christians are all in God's will there will not be disagreements or disputes with leadership. but, that is idealistic in a fallen world. So the problem comes when there is disagreement, as there will be. For, we all still fall prey to sin, and I think we can agree that means everyone falls out of the will of God on occasion. What then? In the dictatorial churches, it is assumed that leadership is never wrong and should always be followed. So, the member or lay person is assumed to be always wrong. That is a dangerous set-up, much like the belief that the Pope is infallible. Even if they will admit that leadership can be wrong, dictatorial churches will still say members must always 'submit' to leadership-- for the leadership will be accountable to God in that case, not the member. They tend to extrapolate on verses about women submitting to husbands(Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5) general verses about submitting to earthly and church authority (Romans 3:1-7, Hebrews 13:17,1 Peter 2: 13-14) and Old Testament references, like when David refused to harm King Saul, because he was the Lord 's anointed. They also go so far as to suggest that disagreeing with leadership is always rebellion, which allows for clobber verses like 1Samuel 15:22-23, which states that rebellion is like the sin of witchcraft. These are verse that I've personally heard used for such purposes, and I am sure there are many more. In my opinion, it's QUITE a stretch, yet it is not that uncommon. In the end, we are all accountable to God, and I doubt "but my Pastor/minister/whatever told to do it this way, so I did it even though I knew in my heart that was wrong" will fly.