This is a pretentious open letter for Psy, South Korean native and recent hit author of “Gangnam Style.” It was recently discovered that he launched an anti-American tirade back in 2002 during the Iraq war. Yeah. He’s been lapping up the limelight, so of course the media has to dig up some dirt on him. So I’m here to write him an open letter in the utmost sincerity I can muster telling him why he is such a terrible human being. I have the right to do this since I have never, ever, ever, ever committed a sin in my entire life. Yeah. (This is a satire warning.) So here is my open letter to Psy:

Psy,

First of all, this is an open letter. This is what people do when they have an issue with celebrities. They write open letters. They blog or write in an open fashion, spewing their outrage in an open manner so that everyone but the concerned party can see it. So, take that.

I mean, Psy. How dare you. How dare you mess with us like that. Here we are using you for your 15 minutes of fame. We plucked your song out of relative obscurity and this is how you treat a country you weren’t born in?

Forget that you have become part of our culture. Even for a minute. You became part of Halloween, part of the NBA, NFL, high schools, colleges, parodies, television and whatever. Know this – we as Americans can kick you to the curb whenever we want.

You had to go and do something to mess it all up. Almost a decade ago, in 20/20 hindsight, you had to go America bashing. Well before you even knew you’d be a hit here. How dare you.

How dare you, as a South Korean citizen, have feelings about another nation engaged in a war years ago? Unbelievable. Excuse us while we go ahead and judge you, a man who we loved for one song as if you were the ambassador to an entire nation. You don’t get to say what you want when you want to. Where do you think you are? Anyway, you were in South Korea when you said that stuff.

We obviously have the right to judge you. A man who came to this country, learned the language and then went back to his come country and became superstar. We have the taste to fall in love with a song that we don’t understand the words to but we like the beat and enjoy seeing a guy acting like he’s riding a horsey. But darnit, don’t you disrespect our country ten years ago.

The things you said were just outright horrifying. You said this in a song during the Iraq War:

Kill those f**g Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives
Kill those f***g Yankees who ordered them to torture
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers
Kill them all slowly and painfully

Come on Psy. We can’t dance to that.

Sure, you apologized. I’m sure at the time you were outraged at the death of Christian missionary Kim Sun-il and his death. I’m sure you felt like your voice might count. Maybe you felt like you should take a stand and as a performer, you had an obligation to say a few things. Or maybe your anger at the death of a national hero sparked in you a voice that led to anger that was overwhelming, even if you claim to have made mistakes ten years ago.

No excuse, dude. You are supposed to be perfect. In America, all of our entertainers, actors, singers, politicians and authors are perfect. Start living up to it if you’re going to be making money here.

But listen here, mister. Here in America, our entertainers never let us down. They never say things to embarrass us or disappoint us. They don’t stick their collective feet in their mouths. Ever. Ever.

Look at where you were. On top of YouTube. On top of iTunes. Then you had to go back in time, back ten years ago and mess it all up. Just when we started accepting you.

Go back to South Korea, stand in a corner for a while and don’t come back.

Ever.

For a while.

Or at least until you come up with another catchy tune with an accompanying dance.

_______________________

Ray Carroll is author of  “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.” He blogs regularly at www.fallenpastor.com.