I once was a tough guy. I was the loud guy who never got his feelings hurt. I would never cry. At one time, I questioned whether I even could cry.

In the 10 months from April 2000 to March 2001, I lost my grandmother, my elder brother and my grandfather. During that time I “stayed strong”, because I thought that’s what I needed to do. I didn’t cry. I didn’t show emotion. I was in 7th grade. For the rest of my middle school and high school years, I remained so calloused. I called myself a Christian but my life was not an example of the Gospel. I hurt many people and I still grieve those relationships I lost in those years. I never let myself grieve the losses that happened in my life because that’s not what “guys” did. This internal hardening and refusal to mourn these losses of dear parts of my family was a sin, and I realize that now. My heart was hardened and it made me a very abrasive person. I exploded at home toward the people closest to me (my sister and parents). I spent a good bit of my time angry. I was not a nice person to be around.

Fast forward to 2012. I am a man who is close in touch with his emotions and has no problem crying in front of people. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago, I was sitting and enjoying a meal with some friends. We were at a popular restaurant in Atlanta and I had ordered a beef turnover (fancy nomenclature for a meat pie). I took one bite of this meat pie and I lose my cool. I start crying. I am around 11 other people.

“Are you okay? Is everything okay?”

My grandfather was known for his meat pies in the small town where I grew up. This meal of a meat pie and potatoes affected me so greatly because it reminded me of some of the best memories I had with my grandfather. I have not reached the mountain-top of “self-actualization” at this point, but I think one of the greatest (and hardest) steps toward self actualization is learning that it’s okay to grieve losses. It is up to the person to decide how long they should grieve. Everyone processes their grief differently, but let me tell you friends, do not hold that grief in. It will turn you into a bitter person.

This post is directed at my Christian brothers. We were told to “dry that shit up” by our fathers. We were told stories of Samson, Gideon and David, the giant slayer. We were told that Christian men are leaders and not affected by emotion. We are told not to hold on to earthly possessions. We are told to rejoice at funerals because our loved ones are “in a better place”.

I have no problem telling you not to dry that shit up. I am telling you to read the Lamentations of Jeremiah and the story of Jesus crying at Lazarus’ tomb (even though he knew Lazarus would be resurrected). I am telling you to cry. I am telling you to be emotional, because it’s healthy. I am telling you that to hold in the pain you feel will hurt your relationship with your friends, your co-workers and your partner. I am telling you this because I know it, unfortunately.

Christian man, I am telling you to quit being tough. I am telling you that when someone dies that you’re close to, grief is normal. I am telling you that when a story touches your heart, it’s okay to shed a tear. I am telling you to grieve with those who grieve. Grief is a part of the natural human condition and to ignore it is to ignore an integral part of your being.

When you lose your job, when your marriage falls apart, when your house burns down and when the church you pastor tears at the seams, the natural reaction is grief and I promise you that if you refuse to grieve in your own way, you will break down. Either break down your own walls, or the world you live in will break them down for you. Grieve and grieve loudly. Let people know you’re sad. Talk to others about your grief. Find people who love you and share your passions and your failed attempts at pursuing those passions.

Make yourself a broken man or the world will break you.

What do you think? Is grief a vital part of the human condition? Is it necessary? How do you handle grief? Do you have a method for managing your grief or does your grief manage you?