I was sort of in the “denim skirt cult”, but it wasn’t because I was really made to do it, I sort of did it on my own. I was told that I had to be modest and I believe I took it a little far. I did wear pants and Jeans, but I also wore ankle long skirts. I stayed away from tank tops (don’t ask how I survived summer) and didn’t start wearing them until I was around 17.

It wasn’t until I started dating my husband and started to hang out with his family, that I started to realize it wasn’t bad to wear something like a tank top. Jason’s, my husband, mom helped me out with getting clothes that were modest, but were a little bit more revealing than I used to wear. The biggest shock, my mother-in-law is a pastor’s wife.

Like Deanna, it is taking me a while to get used to being able to wear what I want and not what I think people think I should wear. I’m still not comfortable with shorts or slightly- above- the- knee skirts, they have to cover my knees when I sit for me to be comfortable. I have come a long way from the, what my in-laws call, “Grandma clothes”. I feel happy now.

also, what Deanna said, I believe that we do turn men into animals, but they are (or should be) in control of themselves. If they start to get out of control, the woman should be the only one to blame. It should go both ways.

Unfortunately, this is part of rape culture. I too grew up required to dress very modestly and for the reasons given in the article and comments. If I had been raped back then, I would have sincerely believed it was my fault. I bought fully into the idea that what I wore was responsible for what the boys thought and how they reacted.

It never occurred to me back then that boys (and men) were responsible for themselves just as much as I was responsible for myself. (Indeed, I was responsible for myself AND them.)

Also note that it’s very hard to learn to respect men when you believe their behavior, thinking, decision-making, etc., are dependent on you and that you have control over those things.

It took me years to get over the whole mindset. Years of feeling naked in knee-length shorts, of feeling terror when I saw a women dressed in sexy (or just well-fitting) clothes because I was certain a rape was imminent, of feeling responsible for whatever the guys around me said or did to me. You can imagine how healthy those early relationships were.

The author’s perspective is much more healthy. Dress normally, or very modestly, or whatever you feel comfortable in. And don’t teach little girls that they’re responsible for the boys. We already have enough of that in our culture — it’s why females have been blamed for rape throughout history and it’s why blaming the victim has only recently (historically speaking) been challenged.

Very needed piece and a great read. As a person who grew up in a home with spousal abuse, I did not care much for the thoughts and ways of men or how society both generally and specifically suppressed women. I was raised Catholic and read a lot of pieces by so-called “saints” that were nothing short misogyny, using Eve’s role in the Garden (temptress) as an indictment and excuse to suppress; an ancient resentment and blaming that is still strong in the church today. Had to do a lot of work over the years on this issue of men and their oppressive nature.
I suppose I must ask what you perceive is modesty? I am very curious.
God bless.

There is a poem by Thomas Merton I would like to share with you; it reveals The Turn in his life. I offer it because it helped me go beyond the conventional wisdom and values of the world to a place of a bigger peace, where I happened upon forgiveness and compassion for all those men still in bondage to their primitive views. There was less and less room for virtues, which appeared, surprisingly, to make more and more room for God. It may have a place here.

“When in the soul of the serene disciple
With no more fathers to imitate
Poverty is a success,
It is a small thing to say the roof is gone;
He has not even a house.

“Stars, as well as friends,
Are angry with the noble ruin.
Saints depart in several directions

“Be still:
There is no longer any need of comment.
It was a lucky wind
That blew away his halo with his cares,
A lucky sea that drowned his reputation.

“Here you will find
Neither a proverb nor a memorandum.
There are no ways,
No methods to admire
Where poverty is no achievement.
His God lives in his emptiness like an affliction.

“What choice remains?
Well, to be ordinary is not a choice:
It is the usual freedom
of men without visions.

It is the barren land of no ideals or authoritative voices but just the wind of the spirit desert, that blows where it will.

I was part of a “denim skirt cult” when I was in my formative teenage years. Even when I was older and no longer part of that group, I developed a reputation for being a really bad dresser. At first I was insulted that christians on campus constantly told me I needed to dress more attractively, thinking they were too hung up on worldly concerns. I no longer wanted to stick to any religious rules about clothing, but I had internalized the “look” that said, “don’t look at my body.” All my clothes were too baggy and very unattractive, and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I blame the teachings I got when I was developing my sense of self. I think this had to do with why I was unable to attract a spouse in my 20′s and by the time I started figuring out that I was dressing terribly in my 30′s, bad habits were really ingrained and it still is a fight to figure out how to dress attractively and decently.