My recent exploration of the idea of  ”me” has led “me” to a remarkable fact. Self exploration can be the best exploration of all. I have not done much of this in the past?  I have been scared to look within. Afraid that something is wrong with me. (That has actually turned out to be true!) I thought only weak people talk about their weaknesses, then they don’t have to do anything. They have no mission or vision for their lives so they are perishing.  That was a lame thought. If I every said that to you consider this a formal apology.

What if when God formed man and blew the breath of life into us we became and eternal unsearchable being like him. What if there is no end to our souls. What if the more we search the more we discover about God and His amazing love for us.

Where could I go and find God absent? It seems everything I perceive to be ‘out there’ is leading me towards and inner gaze.
David seemed to recognize this phenomena when he penned the 139 psalm.

I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can’t take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Psalms 139 (message)

Like David, I am not afraid of the darkness in me anymore. I found that being OK to look at, deal with, run at it and feel the pain of what is hidden in my darkness opens doors of Truth to real freedom. The fact that I used the word “shit” as a the title is what I mean. I never cussed before, God forbid someone hear me and think I was not holy, or pure, or the great guy I have worked so hard to be. Forget that! God this shit is overwhelming. I have no clue how to get out of it. I am drowning in darkness. I surrender all!

So good ol Peter steps out to walk on the water and before he can get far he is sinking. Lets fast forward a couple thousand years and here we have Jon Crouch trying to walk, but its not water, its shit. My shit, you know the stuff that stinks, the stuff most people don’t want to see. I am OK looking at it, but if someone else see’s it they freak. (I know a bit graphic but true.) I tried so hard to be someone, to use people, systems whatever to get love or attention some sort of pat on my back. All the time I am starting to sink, because without real love I turn to any sort of self soothing method. These methods are eating away at my soul. It’s harder to hide, harder to be nice, I find myself pushing away from those closest to me. I feel like a big piece of shit or like I am sinking into it.

In the past I had people come to me who were is the blissful situation, amazingly I had nothing to say. I was shocked at their mess, I would offer the great advice of, pray more, read your bible, or the classical just get over it. Now its me who’s made a mess, who’s finally sinking. I realize I am not going to make it without some serious help. I know its good in some deep spiritual cosmic way, but I am terrified. “Jesus I am sinking in this shit!”

Suddenly I realize, He is walking on it. He does not have a nose plug, He’s not freaking out lecturing me on why I’m sinking. He is smiling at me with arms out wide. He picks me up give me a big long hug. I am shocked, broken, a mess and He is with me.

He tells me, “It’s over son, no more trying, no more effort, just let go and trust what I see in you.”

So now this shit I was sinking in has become the energy and fuel for the life Jesus promised.

“You’ll take delight in God, the Mighty One,
and look to him joyfully, boldly.
You’ll pray to him and he’ll listen;
he’ll help you do what you’ve promised.
You’ll decide what you want and it will happen;
your life will be bathed in light.
To those who feel low you’ll say, ‘Chin up! Be brave!’
and God will save them.
Yes, even the guilty will escape,
escape through God’s grace in your life.”
Job 22 (The Message)

My pain becomes my platform, my messes my messages, my brokenness an invitation to a living God’s embrace. Chin up! Be Brave! This messy boy believes in you!

“I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.” – David Thoreau